Chapter 1 – Voices

Graduation was as expected. Boring. I walked across the stage, shook my principal’s hand and was given my diploma. James came to the ceremony, he took off work to be here. He said he was proud of me. He wished Dad and Courtney could have come with him but other ‘stuff’ got in the way.

Dad had started drinking too heavily for everyone’s tastes over the last year or so. He was barely holding down his job, most of the rent was covered by James. Family was always there for you that way. Mom died and he stepped up, the brother you would always hope for. James dropped out of school to get a job, construction. Nothing glamorous, but as he said it “Keeps food on the table, and the lights on.”  I know he says that it’s what any of us would do and it’s what Mom would have wanted but I don’t think that I’d have it in me like he did.

I stayed in school, for awhile there I started doing some drugs to forget the pain. But every time I thought I was being sneaky about my high on the way to my room after sneaking out I would hear James’ thoughts. “It’s my fault, if I was here more for him he wouldn’t need it. I should stay home more, work less. Keep a real eye on my family. They need it more than the money. He needs it more.”

I would berate myself every, single, fucking, time. Stop going out Nick. Stop causing problems for James. Don’t do to him what you did to—. By the end of that though I was usually so stoned out of my mind that I would forget my own name. In one of my few states of consciousness during that time I checked myself into rehab.

It was a process being there. I was given a small dorm room, the facility was used mostly for minors who had some kind of drug problem. New York was a huge city. It was pretty common for some kids to get addicted to a street drug and need help kicking it before it ruined their life.

The doctor, a woman in her early twenties, interviewed me during my first day there. Her brunette hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, piercing green eyes stared at me as I was ushered into her office. I heard her voice in my head first. Another addict. I wonder what it was this time? Heroin, no from the look of him it’s probably something more akin to Xanax or Adderall. “What brings you here?” I sheepishly gazed at her from across her desk. “Don’t be shy. It’s easier for me to treat you if I know what we are trying to kick.”

I adjusted myself in my seat trying to get comfortable to the sticky leather. “Don’t worry it’s not Heroin like some of the other kids here. It’s mostly Xanax and some cocaine.” One of her eyebrows began to drift up her forehead with my statement about the drugs I was taking.

“Thank you for informing me. Now we will start a detox strategy this week. Luckily Xanax is a lot easier to kick than something like meth. Now head back to your room and a nurse will be with you soon to assist in getting ready for the next steps. Oh and feel free to take a piece of candy from the bowl” I gave her a gracious nod, took a piece of candy and headed back to my room.

A few hours later after sitting in my assigned room, watching the small TV they gave me, a nurse came in. “Your stay will be relatively simple. Meals are done communally. You are expected to do all of your school work as you would if you were at school normally. After everything else is done your time is yours to use as you see fit. There are areas to do some arts and crafts, music, we even have a room to play video games if that’s your speed. There is only one specification that the Doctor has for you.” She holds out a small cup with a pill in it. “Take this once daily.”

“She’s making me take pills while trying to kick a drug? Isn’t that risky.”

The Nurse sighs “She is diagnosing you with depression and anxiety disorder. You have been self medicating, these are to help with that.”

I gave the nurse a curt nod and a thanks before downing the pill.OVer the next few hours the constant buzzing in my head started to fade. The static became clear and my thoughts became my own again. I started to feel, normal.

My time at rehab was generally uneventful. Do some school work and then play some games with the other kids. People got transferred in and out quickly from that place, I was there for only a few weeks. Almost a month. The voices I had been hearing were finally gone. When I asked the Doctor about it she said that my grandfather was a diagnosed Skitzophrenic, so after everything I had been through I was experiencing some bad hallucinations and mania. The pills were actually medication for that. I couldn’t thank her enough. I could finally breathe again.

I took the bus home that evening. My father never picked up his phone, and my brother was busy at work. The ride home was the quietest it had even been since moving to the city. No loud voices, just whispering between friends.

When I got home the quiet was deafening. Before I left for rehab I would hear the drunk thoughts of my father and the pained ones from my sister. Now I was stuck alone with my own thoughts.

No one greeted me at the door when I got home, so I kicked off my shoes and moved my luggage to my room. As I got closer I could hear sobbing coming from my room, Courtney. I began to slowly open the door with a small scraping noise coming from it hitting the floor. Normally Dad would’ve heard it and came running to fix it. Not today.

Courtney popped up out of my bed, joy slamming the misery from her tear stained face. “Nick. Ohmygodyou’reback.” The girl damn near tackled me. “I missed you sooo, much.  Why did you go for so long?”

James and I decided to keep the rehab thing from her. We didn’t want to pile more on. “Oh ya know, I had to attend a skills program. I can’t let James do all the work around here.”

“Uh James. He’s been so distant without you here.” She began holding me tighter. “I thought you two were abandoning me here with Dad.” 

I looked down at her with a compassionate smile. “Leave you, never. Has James been ignoring you?” I began to press my hand against her head. “Also get off, I don’t want your tears all over me.”

She slid off me and began to rock back and forth on her heels. “Yeah, he’s always so busy with work. He says hi and bye, that’s pretty much it.”

“I’ll talk to him, and what about Dad. How’s he been?”

“Dunno. I haven’t seen him in a few days. He keeps going missing.” She had a crestfallen look on her face as her body sagged back towards the bed.

“I’ll look for him.” My mouth moved quicker than my brain did. I want to help Courtney, but what am I going to do to find Dad? I don’t even know where to start.

My little sister rocketed back up onto her feet and through her arms around my neck. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou.” I thought about telling her to back down but I gave in and held her for a few moments before breaking the hug.

“Now out of my room. I’ve got to unpack my things.” I began to shoo her out of my room. “You got your own bed you can lay on.”

She gave a pouty look. “Fine. But if you leave again I’m taking your bedroom.” I gave a breathy laugh as I closed the door. Courtney for all the love she had about me being back was clearly worried I was going to leave her again. Unless something major were to happen I don’t plan on leaving her again.